Five years ago, my world stopped. My calendar didn’t get changed or updated for months. Laundry and dishes piled up. Five years ago I experienced the worst pain in my heart. There’s a piece of it that will always be missing.

​

Five years ago, I lost the person who gave me life — a good life, that I never gave her enough credit for. Five years ago, I realized that my life and my children’s lives would never be the same, and I still don’t even know how to explain it to them.

​

Five years ago, I saw my stepdad’s world and heart completely shatter. He is one of the strongest hearted men I know. Five years ago, I met a police officer at my mom’s apartment for a wellness check. He walked out with one of the saddest faces I’d ever seen and will never forget. Five years ago, I had to pick myself up off the apartment parking lot ground to make phone calls that I never wanted to make. Five years ago, I had to break my brothers’ hearts. As their older sister, I would do anything to protect them from pain.

​

Five years have come and gone so fast, but the pain is still here. They say time heals all, but I don’t think that is true. We may get stronger with time, but everyone experiences grief in different ways at different times. The pain doesn’t need to be numbed; I just wish it didn’t hurt so badly.

​

There’s really no way to know someone else’s pain or suffering. I will never fully understand the hopelessness and pain my mom was experiencing before she took her own life. I cannot imagine what drove her to do what she did. It leaves me with more questions than answers if I even think about it. She overcame so much in her short life. She was so resourceful, resilient, adaptable, and strong. She’s the last person I would ever think could take their own life.

​

Why?

In hindsight, maybe there were signs. Maybe there was something I could have or should have done to help her. Unfortunately, I will never know. I did, however, learn that she was suffering from mental illness before she passed. She did not disclose much information about her mental illness and/or what she was doing to manage it.

​

Suicide itself is not a mental disorder, but one of the most important causes of suicide is mental illness. If I would have learned more and helped her more then, would she still be here? Losing a loved one to suicide leaves such an overwhelming amount of unanswered questions, guilt, pain, sadness, grief, etc.

​

We are all so unaware of tragedies until they affect us personally. Unfortunately, it seems that these tragedies awaken our desire to help and make a difference. Never did I think I would become awakened and so passionate about suicide prevention. Never in my worst nightmares did I ever think suicide would affect me. Never did I ever think it was such a common cause of death. And never did I ever think that I would lose a parent to suicide.

​

Little did I know, it is more common in rural areas. Between 2002 and 2016 there have been 146 completed suicides in Tuolumne County. Suicide is the second leading cause of death globally among 15- to 29-year-olds. It is the tenth leading cause of death in America. If each person who completed suicide had at least 10 family members and friends, think about how many people are really affected. 

- SERENA ORMAN OCHS